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Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:46:45 +0200

hans@social.woefdram.nl

Extremely painful moment here... My parents and I are visiting my brother, who lives in Antwerp. We're all Dutch, so we're foreigners in Belgium. At some point there's a kerfuffle involving a guy with a darker skin than ours, and I hear my mom say to him "go back to your own country"... The man shows his ID card and says he was born in Belgium.

Mom has some explaining to do later, can't talk about it with her while my right wing dad is here too...

Family... At least you get to pick your friends.

show all 13 comments

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:51:03 +0200

Kathryn Barr

dailyjoy@diasp.org

Sometimes family can be challenging. It's hard because they were raised at a different time and some prejudices are ingrained.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 15:54:13 +0200

Hans van Zijst

hans@social.woefdram.nl

@Kathryn Barr True. The big surprise for me was too hear my mom utter that kind of racist language, I wouldn't have been very surprised if it would have been my dad.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 16:18:00 +0200

John Wehrle

johnwehrle@diaspora.glasswings.com

That's a difficult position. I wish you good luck and I hope they listen to you.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 17:28:14 +0200

Khurram Wadee

mkwadee@diasp.eu

Relatives can be embarrassing but these days I don't take any nonsense from them, whoever they are. I'm not afraid of getting into an argument or getting ostracized by them.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 17:32:24 +0200

Kazimierz Kurz

kakaz@sysad.org

Parents have their own opinions. You do not have to be ashamed of them. It is completely ordinary situation, probably a lot of people have different views that you. It is not a reason to love them.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 17:33:47 +0200

Witcraft (Hubzilla)

witcraft@hub.hubzilla.de

I learned that you can hardly change people, especially ones who have chosen not to reflect. All you can do is showing that you are different and give an example. Family you care for but violating what you stand for is being between a rock and a hard place...

I think addressing it in a more open part of society ( like here) is a way to encourage others :slight_smile:

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 19:05:16 +0200

Guy Geens

ggeens@diasp.eu

I've seen my father slide into a fake news hellhole. I understand how you feel.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 19:39:11 +0200

smellsofbikes@diaspora.glasswings.com

That sucks. It's hard to see that in your close relatives. But at least you understand why it's a problem. All we really need to do in our lives to be successful is be better people than our parents were.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 21:36:41 +0200

Hans van Zijst

hans@social.woefdram.nl

Haven't had a chance to talk to her in private, but I'll talk to her about it anyway. Can't do that with my dad around, he's a pretty outspoken racist and I've had many serious confrontations with him about it. Bringing it up with him around could only end in another confrontation, and we still had to get back home in one car...

Thinking about it, it's probably for the better that my fragile old mom was the one to speak those words: had it been my dad, this guy might have given him a knuckle sandwich.

I know I shouldn't feel ashamed for what my parent say, but I do. It's one thing to talk bad about other people in private, like my dad does, but this kind of open racism on the street for everyone to hear (my 11 year old nephew was around) is horrible. I felt the urge to apologise to the man for her behaviour, but decided to stay out, as the situation was pretty explosive.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 21:43:05 +0200

Khurram Wadee

mkwadee@diasp.eu

Don't feel bad, families can be messy.

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 22:07:28 +0200 last edited: Sun, 24 Apr 2022 22:09:23 +0200

Witcraft (Hubzilla)

witcraft@hub.hubzilla.de

I would feel shame, too - But it's good differentiate the shame about others from the shame about me. I understand how it feels to be associated and somehow not free to act in that context.

Mon, 25 Apr 2022 12:25:48 +0200

Martijn Vos

mcv@pluspora.com

Saying that sort of thing while in another country sounds like the perfect opportunity to address the stupidity of that sort of racism.

Mon, 25 Apr 2022 13:08:27 +0200

Hans van Zijst

hans@social.woefdram.nl

@Martijn Vos It is, but talking about it with my dad around wouldn't help. I know his point of view, he knows mine. And we're like water and fire, every talk about that subject immediately escalates. Talking about racism with him is like talking about science with a flat-earther: utterly useless.

So I'll have to find a moment with my mother alone, and bring it up. Not sure how that talk will go, as I had never expected her to say what she did in the first place, but at least she can listen to arguments that she doesn't immediately agree with. We're having a short family holiday next week, I'll find my moment there.